This Is Me.

My name is Ruth Hagel. i am 18. i grew up in Spokane, WA, and i have a desire to serve my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. This is something about myself...i guess you could call it my testimony. Or my autobiography. Whatever it's called, here it is. Enjoy it or not.

i've been growing up in a Christian home, with parents who want to know where you are and what time you'll be home. My parents never let us kids watch anything with "immoral content" in it, listen to any hard music, or hang out with the wrong people who could severely influence us in the wrong way. We always went to church unless we were sick. If something happened on Sunday morning that you were interested in participating in...too bad. We were homeschooled, so our friends always came from the church and church youth group, or other such outlets. That's how it was when i was younger and, though they have a weaker hold of control over us, that's how it is now. Growing up in this family i never questioned the doctrine of the Bible as it was taught to me. i never questioned if God was really God or if i really did need Jesus. i just lived the life my parents lived. i accepted that i "accepted" Christ as my Savior and was thus ushered into some cult that met under a white cross steeple. My first "real" act of "repentance" was committed at age 4. i know for a fact that age 4 is too young to really know what the dilly people are talking about with all the Jesus stuff. i continued in life thinking i was saved, but not really living it. i would say the right words, act when it was required, and jump when i was told "jump."

When i was 10, my parents decided to give me the opportunity of going to a public school. i said "yes!" and entered 5th grade at Windsor Elementary school. My mother would always drive me there in the mornings, and there would be someone to pick me up later in the afternoon. i went to middle school for about 3 months, after which i felt that i didn't want to go anymore. In middle school i got my first real taste of the pressure of the world. Whenever i walked through the crowded halls with pants that weren't long enough for me, i felt small. Whenever i did something that made people laugh at me, i felt stupid. So many kids running around in one building, each one trying to find their niche. i left and began homework at home once more.

At age 11, i had a desire to learn guitar. i don't remember having any good reason to except that guitarists always looked cool and made awesome solos. My pastor and pastor's son helped me in this with their teaching skills and equipment(they lent me a guitar to practice on). Though at first i seemed to be avid in my learning, i gave up after a couple months. My guitar sat in the corner for 1 year...all by its little lonely self...i was too lazy and had failed to develop my interest.

At age 12, i began working at the Cocolalla Lake Bible Camp. i worked for two weeks the summer of '05. During those two weeks i had a peak of emotion. All around me the staff i worked with were happy, and they seemed to have such a love for Jesus while working there. At each meal we would all be laughing at the tables, telling jokes. Each Bible study in the morning would reveal to us some truth we had never thought of before, or would convict us. We would hear stories from the cabin leaders about children being saved in their cabins. The work in the kitchen was never dull, but always filled with laughter and busy-ness. All these happenings filled me with a sense of euphoria and i thought i had a desire for God. One i had never felt before. Filled with the emotion, i decided to turn once more to God and try living for Him. This is known as "rededication", though it is not a Biblical term.

This rededication did not stay fresh for long. Once camp season was over, my emotional dedication to God fell. i was no longer with my new friends. They no longer made me laugh and feel good about myself. i was home with my family once again, just doing homework, trying to have fun, and forgetting about God.

One evening i got nudged. Nudged by God. i was sitting in front of the piano, trying to play a worship song on my guitar. i kept getting frustrated. i just couldn't switch chords quickly enough. i was so frustrated i almost gave up. But then i decided to pray. i prayed and when i prayed, i asked God to give me the ability to play the song. i told Him that if He would only make me play right, i would play for His glory. i started playing again with a sort of determination and the more i played, the better i got. By the end of the evening i could play the song through.

At age 13, i began to take guitar lessons with a man named Simon Way. His love for music and the way He plucked the guitar strings(with such pleasure!)inspired me to pick up the beautiful instrument and explore its sounds. He would help me understand complicated music theory. It was he who showed me that playing guitar was fun. i began to get better at it and a little while later i found myself leading worship music in my church.

In the year 2007 i was working at camp again. i enjoyed hanging out with the people and working in the kitchen. i was always busy. All too quickly summer ended. September came, and i was now a freshman. i had much homework to do, which kept me on my toes, and it gave me something to do to fill the time. That fall was the beginning of a depression that would slowly overwhelm me. My thoughts became darker and darker...i was filled with the knowledge that nobody cared about me...that i was all alone. Everywhere i went i felt darkness and the numbing sense that i was alone. i didn't reach out for God. i had no desire to. i don't know how, but i slowly filled with anger, bitterness, and fear. My family expected me to be fine, to go to church, to say i was a Christian. In my heart i wasn't, and i knew this. i knew about God but i didn't care. Some of my thoughts were, "God is too hard to live for. i want to do this, and i don't care if God's there. i'm not going to pretend i live for Him anymore." Bitter and dark thoughts filled my mind constantly. i didn't want to be around people. i had no desire to do anything "fun." i did not, at all, want to be with my family. They only annoyed me and seemed to taunt me with their going to church and evening family Bible readings. In 2008 it only got worse.

The first time i cut myself was a nudge further into depression. At first i was scared. i had never thought of hurting myself before. This was another step away from God. i wanted to hurt myself. It felt good to let the bitterness and anger be revealed in the blood that flowed from the gash i made. Every time the anger felt like it was too much to contain, i would cut. i now wanted to do whatever i could to flee my "innocency"...the person i was before. The girl who never got drunk, laid, or high. During that time i had no driver's license, nor did i have any connections with a lot of people. i believe God spared me from doing drugs, getting drunk, and getting screwed. He was watching me all the time, protecting me even though i certainly did nothing to deserve it. i didn't want God, but He wanted me. i would cut on my arms and not even think about it being noticed by people. i just did it because it felt good. i think every teenager contemplates suicide and i know i certainly did. What reason had i to keep going? If God didn't care and i didn't care, life was empty. In the summer of 2008 i imagined that my depressed state of mind was coming to its end. i thought it would be ok. But i sank back down again. i felt betrayed by everyone around me, and no one could know the pain i harbored inside. Dejection, fear, and ANGER. Hey, the depression was terrible, and like i said, i don't know how it really got started, but i know that God used it to bring me to my knees. Near the end of 2008 i slowly began to get curious about God. i didn't like leading worship in church or going to Bible studies or anything like that. It was boring and pathetic to me. But in January i reached the end of all i could endure. i was so tired of being turned away from God, though i didn't admit it. It was on a Friday in January(the 2nd or 9th)of this year, 2009, that God used a valuable friend in my life to bring me to my knees. My good friend Janae and i had finished cleaning my dad's shop that night and we were in my room talking. i was telling her that i thought i wanted to go back to God, but i knew He wouldn't take me back because of my rebellion. i figured she would talk to me and i would be thinking "she's going to try to make me feel better." But when she talked to me(i can't remember what she said)it all made sense to me, and i believed her. i didn't want to, but i listened, and her words penetrated my soul. God's words. That night i gave my heart to Jesus, and i told Him that i finally realized how much i needed Him. Today i am striving to live for Him. i know that God is good and that He saved me for His purpose.
You need to know God for yourself and know Jesus for yourself. Love Him because He first loved you, and not because it's what you've been told.